Not A Happy Post

Wow.  I haven't even thought about this blog for several years.  A lot has changed and a lot hasn't.  I love my job, that's one thing that hasn't changed. They moved me home a few years ago.  It's great working at home, especially for an introvert.  I realize that I am perfectly content to go through the whole week not talking to or seeing anyone.  But if a good friend calls, I'm ready to rush out the door and do something with her.

Another thing that hasn't changed, but now I'm aware of - is that I'm trapped, trapped in so many ways. I'm desperate to get out, but there's no where to go, no way to get out, so I stay where I am - miserably unhappy and wondering if I'm going to die here.

I keep looking for happiness while knowing I'll never find it. I have days and even weeks when I can ignore how I feel, but then it comes rushing back to the front of my mind - chastising me for forgetting about it.

Several times I've glimpsed a way out of being trapped, able to reach for and hold a little bit of happiness for a time, but then it's ripped away from me and I'm left more miserable than before I had it.  You'd think I'd give up trying. I'm ready to give up. I just want to quit hurting. You'd think I'd learn.

Tonight...

I'm starting this blog for me. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone about it...right now it's just mine. Sometimes I need "alone time" and the only way I can get it is to go into my own head. Too many people live in this house!

It's late at night. I'm having surgery tomorrow for 'female' stuff. The surgery essentially will destroy the part of me that I was brought up to believe made me a woman. Not that I want any, but I won't be able to have any more babies. I'm feeling sad that it's going to happen...even at the same time happy that it is happening. Just another badge of old age I guess....

So far, I've counted up the following "badges of old age":

1. Every joint in my body reminds me it is there when I wake in the morning; maybe not when I first arise, but later -- in the shower when I try to wash something that might take some twisting around!

2. When my daughter (15) says my morning coffee "...stinks! How can you drink that stuff??" To which I reply, "Honey, as you get older you acquire a taste for it. When you become an adult, your palate becomes refined so it can distinguish far more subtle and different tastes in food." Translation: I'm doing all I can to get out of bed. This is going to put some life into this shell. I'll drink coffee if I want! GO AWAY UNTIL AFTER THE 2ND CUP!

3. My arms have gotten so long that they hit my husband in the face in a restaurant while I'm trying to read the menu. Guess I need glasses....

4. My son laughs at me saying I "...acting just like grampa did ... yelling at the politicians on tv."

And finally....

5. When my teenage daughter leaves her friends to take me grocery shopping so I won't have to lift the heavy bags into the car. No really...it wasn't to look at boys helping their mothers!

This could be a really long blog about growing up....it might be interesting if you want to stick around and listen.