Not A Happy Post

Wow.  I haven't even thought about this blog for several years.  A lot has changed and a lot hasn't.  I love my job, that's one thing that hasn't changed. They moved me home a few years ago.  It's great working at home, especially for an introvert.  I realize that I am perfectly content to go through the whole week not talking to or seeing anyone.  But if a good friend calls, I'm ready to rush out the door and do something with her.

Another thing that hasn't changed, but now I'm aware of - is that I'm trapped, trapped in so many ways. I'm desperate to get out, but there's no where to go, no way to get out, so I stay where I am - miserably unhappy and wondering if I'm going to die here.

I keep looking for happiness while knowing I'll never find it. I have days and even weeks when I can ignore how I feel, but then it comes rushing back to the front of my mind - chastising me for forgetting about it.

Several times I've glimpsed a way out of being trapped, able to reach for and hold a little bit of happiness for a time, but then it's ripped away from me and I'm left more miserable than before I had it.  You'd think I'd give up trying. I'm ready to give up. I just want to quit hurting. You'd think I'd learn.